I don’t have issues with writer’s block. Not in the normal faced-with-a-page-can’t-write-something block. I do the other type of block. The one where I won’t even face the page.

Somehow, I still manage to write through these things of course. I do a lot of fun writing. Fun writing is important. But I have a project I need to finish. And I’ve been avoiding it for a week. At first my excuse was that I was sick. Then my excuse was that I had to clean house because my mom is half ready to throw away the last of my junk at her house.

But I had plenty of time to write and work on things. All I need is an hour and 1,000 words.

Just yesterday, I realized my problem. I’m terrified. (Yes, I’m pretty much always terrified.) My big fear was being faced with that blank page and not having anything to say. Which is bunk. It’s just that I’d been away from the project for so long, I lost the words. I lost direction. And I didn’t know where I was going anymore or how to get there.

So I opened up my journal and I just started writing. Longhand, I listed all the things I need for this last part of the book. Writing in longhand really is  therapeutic. Writing longhand, I’ve taught myself to let go of the control, to let my hand and my mind just work. I’ve practiced it for so long that it’s just second nature. Sometimes while writing, I’ll even have separate thoughts. As my hand moves across the paper, I’ll think of what a stupid idea it is or how dumb it sounds, but still my hand keeps going, knowing what I need to say and ignoring that horrible voice.

Then I sat down and forced myself to do the same on the computer. I forced myself to just write the next chapter. We’re giving it a test run. This next chapter is up for audition. Nerve-wracking! But until we see how this chapter preforms, there’s no way to know what will happen next. This chapter might need to be put in the show later, or maybe it’ll need to be chopped up. But most importantly, it needs to just be so that I can find it’s place in my writing world. And it can’t be until I write it.

I’d like to say that with this renewed determination, suddenly I wrote a thousand words in an hour. I didn’t. I wrote something like 1,000 in three days. I still have other things I need to write too. Oops! But I’m still determined. And it does feel good to get back into the project again.

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