The person I am today is mostly because of the influence of my father.
He was the man who taught me how to play chess. Now I know how to play it, and yet I am not very good at it. Doesn’t matter. We still taught how to play chess to my niece and nephew and I intend on showing friends who don’t know the moves how to play chess even if we never actually play.
He was the man who taught me a love of story. He always had so many. He was constantly telling them. There was the story from his early military days about how he got lost from his group in Korea for three days. It was the early 50’s, he was in a segregated group for the Puerto Ricans, and it was his first time off the island. Somehow he managed to survive by hiding out in houses and continuing in the same direction he thought they had been heading when he ran across another group of Americans. He couldn’t tell them who he was because he spoke no English at the time, but when he started speaking Spanish they knew who he was right away. He said when he was reunited with the Puerto Ricans, they were so happy to see him they almost carried him off.
He would always repair things, cracking them open to take a look at how he could fix them. I learned that things didn’t have to be thrown away– my dad could make them work and I could keep them forever. (In truth, he probably just could not afford to buy anything new unnecessarily, and he couldn’t stand seeing his daughter cry about her favorite broken toy.)
He had a love of animals that ran deep. He used to get so upset when my mother brought home pets, but it was only because he hated to get attached and watch them die. The only time I ever saw him sob was when he had to take our dog Shadow to the vet to be put down. Unfortunately for my dad, animals loved him. Every new dog my mom got for herself ended up at my dad’s side.
He loved to make people laugh. King of the Dad jokes I say. He would tell the most groan worthy non-puns. Just a few months ago, we went out shopping and as he walked up to the counter, he leaned in with his eyebrows raised and asked the bored-looking cashier, “What do you do if I can’t pay? Will you buy it for me?”
My dad let me be myself. I’ve always been a slightly strange kid, and he never made me feel that way. He put up with me making up super long stories over my picture books before I could read, and he looked over barely legible stories written in pencil that made no sense. If he couldn’t understand it, he would tell me so. He never made me feel strange. He supported my habits, helping me find boxes to store my comics in or buying me a cassette case to hold my old Teddy Ruxspin tapes in. He was always there for every performance (usually with my big sister, Aida, at his side). He handed me his Royal typewriter when I said I needed to learn to write faster and taught me how to type using all of my fingers (even though he really only used two, he just explained the theory.) After the typewriter stopped being enough, we went out and got the 486 computer that I still have.
Monday night, he had a heart attack. I managed to squeeze his hand in the hospital room as they prepped for operation. Before they wheeled him off I looked him in his eyes one last time. We always said “I love you.” After my sister, everyone always says it in place of good-bye. I didn’t say it, but I didn’t have to. That man was the world to me, and he knew it.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before. I’ve become one of those cat ladies. I went through my Dropbox recently to clear up space, and much of it was pictures of cats sleeping. Multiple pictures sometimes of the same catnap. But going through the pictures made me remember what my cats were like when they first got here– especially my grey cat.
Danger helping me play Sims.
Our black cat has always been a little rambunctious. The first time we held her at the vet’s office where we adopted her from, she jumped off my boyfriend’s shoulders to jump onto a shelf full of neck cones. We were alone in the room, just us and the cats, and immediately, Jay and I felt like we’d committed a minor offense of some sort. “Cat, you can’t do that! Get back here!” My boyfriend fell in love with her immediately.
The cat that I would choose happened to be the exact opposite. He was timid. They put him in my arms and warned me he was a “bolter.” That’s why they shut us in the room. So when he ran off, they could find him again. He froze in my arms, tiny claw digging into my skin. When I put him back down in his cage, he hid behind his food bowl, every so often popping his head up to see if I was still there.
First few weeks he spent in hiding. This was the box we brought him home in.
Curious kitty! The only way we could get him out was by dangling things in front of him.
Completely ridiculous kitty.
My timid kitty is the one who most got me thinking about personality. Growing up around pets (mostly dogs) I have always accepted that they each have a unique personality, and that once an animal is gone, no other animal will replace it. But watching these two cats, I became amazed at how much personality they have and just how much it can change over time with the right nurturing.
This previously timid cat now stands up on higher ledges to meow with determination when it is time to feed him the good food at night. He uses his purrs to manipulate us when he wants to come into the bedroom. He stands in our way in the morning when he wants attention, no need to really ask for it. He still slinks into my lap though when I sit on the couch with some hesitation. And if he gets outside, the world that used to scare him actually intrigues him, and he will walk away from the door, but never too far.
I assume this is just because of his environment and us. He has learned that he can trust us. He can trust our friends. When people come over, if he knows and trusts them he will flop over and wait for them to give him belly rubs. (The flopping over is cute, and I have to tell people he’s doing this to for the first time what he expects them to do.)
Trouble has made me see that personality, at the base, is simply how we respond to stimuli. His first response used to be to run and hide. Danger’s first response was to run up to the thing and start sniffing at it, possibly slap it with a paw.
Of course, it gets much more complicated with humans, but the same basic idea seems to hold true. I’ve watched my niece and nephew grow up, and I am constantly amazed to see that so many of the mannerisms they have as adults now are exactly the same as when they were little toddlers. The way they often react to things now is similar along the lines to the way they would have acted as kids. (It kills me when I get my big nephew to sputter out a laugh that resembles the laugh he had at age five.) The difference in humans though is that we change what we want to change. If there is something we don’t like about ourselves, we can work on disguising it or controlling it. I used to be shy and had trouble looking people in the eyes. Over time and through practice, I have learned that making the first strike at welcoming a person into my space helps make the other person feel comfortable which makes me feel better as well. But that shyness hasn’t left me. I still feel the tug of it in any interaction I do. It’s quieter if I’m in a space that is all my own (like my office), but it is incredibly loud if I’m somewhere I don’t feel comfortable. And some days I don’t want to deal with that little battle, so I simply won’t.
So I’m thinking I need to look at my characters a little differently. I need to take note of their stock response and then examine how the events in their life affect that natural behavior as well as what they’ve done to change their own behavior, if they’re conscious of it at all.
I’ve been quiet. Too quiet. There are times where I have to retreat just because I only have so much energy to go around. And I thought last years holidays would be hard with our loss so fresh– this years holidays were no less strange or sad.
I found I couldn’t write. It’s a very constipated feeling that I’m sure everyone is familiar with. There’s a lot of advice on what to do– the best usually being to write through it. I found that I didn’t even have the energy for that. I’d come up with an idea I wanted to explore and then I just couldn’t follow through. I’d write a bit, know where I wanted to go, and STILL found myself suddenly without the energy to just complete the scene.
I’m getting some energy back now, so I am blaming the imbalance of the holidays. But it’s still hard to get back into things. I’ve been wanting to make a blog post for at least a month just to say that I haven’t given up, but I’d been away so long I didn’t exactly know where to start.
So I started writing a personal journal in an actual notebook. It’s a start. I’ve even started reviewing the stuff I’ve written last year, the ideas I’ve had, and I’m attempting to throw down some short story ideas that have been percolating under my thoughts. More starts, and hopefully a few more things that will get finished.
At some point, I became afraid of failing. Is this due to age? I don’t remember being so worried when I was younger. I didn’t like getting low grades on tests and essays, but I’d look at it as a chance to learn. I’d read over every correction and figure out where I went wrong.
Where did that person go? I feel like I’ve been avoiding writing at all because I’m afraid of it being crap. I already know that not everything is going to be a gem. That doesn’t stop me from seizing up and becoming super exhausted at the prospect of starting completely over with a new story.
I needed to do something to shake things up. And so I accepted a challenge to write and publish a story within 8 hours issued by J.A. Konrath. I found out about it on Monday, and
the “deadline” technically was Thursday. I didn’t really start until Tuesday.
But I did it. I am terrified.
My current process for writing things for release: More than a few drafts, polished as much as I think I can on my own because I don’t want to waste the time of my readers. I hand it off to a close friend for content editing. I take it back, make more changes, hand it off to another friend for content and grammar. Get it back, make more changes. Give it to another friend who is an avid reader, and a really great copy editor. Get it back, make a bunch of fixes. And then finally, I hand off a printed copy to my boyfriend and have him go over it in the picky way he does. Get it back, make more corrections. (there are always more to be made!) By the first time I’ve sent a story out, I’m sick of it.
The challenge was to write a short in 8 hours, including doing the cover on your own, the blurb on your own, and the editing on your own. I spent about six hours on the story, one hour on the cover (pitiful), half an hour on the blurb (I did get a second opinion on that blurb over lunch). And then some extra time to print it out and self-edit. I am sure I was over the 8 hour mark, but only if I count all the time I spent staring off into space while sitting in front of my computer. And I’m not.
I present my short, The Hungry:
Twenty years ago, the world ended and no one will discuss it.
Rebecca, a denizen of one of the protected cities, volunteers to join the courier service in order to see out what is beyond her city’s fence with her own eyes. Is she prepared for what she will find?
Aside from one passage where I was concerned about if the action would be clear, I didn’t share any of it with my friends. I just wrote it and put it out there. I’m surprised at my own audacity. I shouldn’t think that I can do this– write something fast and put it for sale.
But I did.
The story came in at about 8,000 words. It’s marked for .99 and is only available on the Kindle. Saturday and Sunday it can be downloaded for free. Come see how badly I have screwed things up!
That’s it. I needed to say it out loud. Though I do get a thrill when someone buys my book (c’mon, I’m still a human writer), I didn’t really publish it for the money. Any money I have made on it goes back into the book to cover the costs of artwork. That’s pretty much it. I’m not about to make a living selling books. I’ve always known that. Still, I often beat myself up because I don’t write fast enough. Instead of encouraging me to write, it only makes me want to give up. Except that it’s impossible to stop writing. So it’s a circle that will continue, leaving me feeling like crap.
This is a new level of doubt, brought on by our modern age. There are so many books and stories out there right now that I think we all fear getting lost. If you don’t put out so many books a year, then you’re supposedly screwed.
Maybe I am. So maybe I’m fooling myself here, but I think that if people read your story and really enjoy it, they will always find a way to stay in touch. This is also the way I approach my friends. Instead of being surrounded by a lot of people I have to constantly keep in contact with, I surround myself with a few choice friends that I can call up any time, no matter how much time has passed, and have it be as if we never left off. (This might be part of why I don’t get very far on Twitter.)
My last book was published in 2011. I’d intended to have another book by summer. Ha! I look back on my hopeful self and sort of laugh. (It might still be too soon. Maybe I can fully laugh next year. Hopefully I have another book out by then.)
So here’s what it comes down to: Do I want to race a story out because I’m afraid of being forgotten? Or do I want to write a story that will strike a cord and ensure that I’m remembered? Even if only for that one story. How long will it take for that second option? I don’t know yet. I’ll tell you when I finish something good.
He runs his hands down my body as he slides my unbuttoned shirt to the floor. The fabric lightly brushes my bare back, and a shiver of anticipation curls up my spine. I stand there as he cusps my breast, skimming my nipple with his thumb, nude before him. He leans in closely, hard body underneath the soft fabric of his shirt. The long hairs on his chin tickle against my jaw. He nips at my neck, grazing his teeth against my skin. I shut my eyes and let him take his time, enjoying the building excitement tingling down my torso. I squeeze my legs together to stop the quaking as our lips meet and begin the ravishing.
It has been this way with no one else, and will never be this way again. This I know, and it causes tears to squeeze out from my eyes now swollen shut. My moan becomes a sob. I run my hand across my stomach, feeling each individual rib between the wrinkles of the thin clothing they have issued to me. I close my eyes and let him continue to ravish me in memory. My hand trails down to my mound, no longer soft and squishy. It is now bony as my body has begun to eat itself. In my memory, he is inside me, waiting. I grab at him and beg him to continue. The vibrations of his laughter travel straight through me, right to the point of our connection.
I tug at the thin fabric of my shirt. A trail of tears grows cold on my cheek. It is either that memory or the one of my daughters screaming out for me while they drag me away, my uncovered feet scraping the asphalt. All of these moments exist at the same time. The only real thing is the cold stone my shoulder blades press against as I lay in my cell. They will come for me again. One of these times I will come back to the present to feel the heat from the guard’s leather boot trapped against my temple seconds before he drags me off. It will do no good. I have forgotten what they wish to know. All that remains are the fragments.
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A peek at Cheryl’s story, but written especially for the challenge. This one is going to be really tricky to pull off, but I have several reasons for attempting it. It’s either going to be a story, or it will be a complete train wreck.
Salt mixed with her saliva, circling around the fibrous mass between her teeth as she chomped hard, accidentally slamming her teeth together. She had to take care chewing the bite of what they called “steak.” Little grains of seasoning rolled around on her tongue, each one leaving a bright streak of flavor that covered up the base taste well. Still, it was there, and it reminded her of the time she’d licked the metal wall in one of the store rooms on a dare when she was a young girl. Though the odd metal taste of the meat brought back such nostalgia, it was not exactly a memory she cherished.
The lump would not disintegrate though tiny strings of it made their way down her gullet, bits of the flesh sticking between her teeth as well. For a moment, she thought she would choke on her own spittle. She was far too old to die in such an undignified manner.
Next to her, their host, a portly old man who was clearly close to her age though his hair was unnaturally dark in comparison to her own mottled gray mess, somehow managed to prattle on between bites with hardly a pause.
“I hope you like it. This meal’s been prepared by one of the best chefs in the area. We have so much to celebrate!”
He lifted a glass, some awful tinted stuff that she’d hated because it tasted like disinfectant (another dare once). He held it aloft in her direction and then gulped it down as she choked down the meat chunk. One of the seasoning granules stuck on her uvula and she coughed. She gulped down half a glass of water. That at least was familiar, but it still tasted of steel from the odd minerals inside it.
Her jaw ached. Eating should not be so difficult. She did not want to attempt another bite, and yet she also felt hopeful that something on the plate would be palatable enough that she could fill her belly on it. A glance around the room told her that she was not the only one having difficulty. Her entire crew sat forlornly prodding at their foods.
The host continued chatting with her as he swallowed pieces practically whole. “We’ve been waiting such a long time for this. My grandfather’s grandfather built the original ship that took the first colonists to Mars. It’s been the pride of my family. That is exactly why I had to host this dinner. My grandfather so wanted to meet you and your crew. Unfortunately, he passed away just before you arrived on Earth.”
She cut up one of the tiny green trees on her plate. It at least looked similar to the food they grew in the hydroponics lab on the ship. The thing was soft on her tongue but snapped when she crushed it with her molars. Juices came pouring out of squishy top, and then it broke apart in her mouth the way the meat had refused to do. Its true essence settled deeply on the back of her tongue, a horrible bitterness she attempted to swipe away by swallowing. She frowned as she forced her body to swallow the unholy offering and then drank the last of her water. A server rushed to her side with a fresh pitcher of water before racing off to fill one of her crewman’s cups.
The pungent taste of the vegetable lingered and she had to drink more of the water. She shook her head and cut their host off before he launched into any more stories about his family and the original ship.
She dabbed at her mouth with the cloth napkin as she turned to face him. “Did you do any research on us at all?”
His eyes shot wide. He stammered. She cut him off again.
“We can’t eat this. We were born on a ship between planets, and the only food we’ve ever eaten has been yeast based with manufactured supplements and a few vegetables that only grew out in space after some genetic modification. Nothing on this plate is palatable to us. If you don’t mind, I’m going to take my crew back to their ship so that we can have a decent home cooked meal.”
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This is also a semi-personal experience. Texture is super important to me when I eat, and squishy things like tender meat I just can’t do. So unless I know how a place prepares their meat, I won’t order things like steak or chicken. Ground beef is the only safe bet which is probably why I adore hamburgers. I’m guessing that this might have to do with my lack of smelling ability. I’ve met others who are selective about food texture, but the ones who were most vehement about it were the people who’d never been able to smell. They’d have lists of things they wouldn’t touch.
So, yes, if you invite me over to your house, please have hamburgers. Also, please don’t have vanilla pudding (slimy, but chocolate pudding is fine) or Jello boxed flan (unnaturally smooth) or anything with whip cream (foamy). Or better yet, how about I invite you over to my house?
This is all for the Senseless Challenge. Here’s the roundup for smell from last week.
Blanca’s nose burned as if being licked by a little flame. Her hand shot up to paw at her upper lip at first. When that didn’t work, she pinched the sides together to douse the little fire. “Oh, hwhat is tat?”
Her roommate, Corinne, a friend of hers since college, looked up from the cup of coffee she l
azily stirred. “What is what? Why are you standing there like that?”
Pushing the inner skin of her nostrils together helped relieve that strange, bothersome feeling, though it still tickled. “I don’t know. I can’t eben descripeb it. My nose is, like, burning or someting!”
Corinne perked up slightly, though confusion still radiated off her. “Burning?” She gave a few tired and wary sniffs. “I don’t smell anything, just some coffee? Waitaminute. Are you smelling coffee?”
Blanca rubbed her nose, accidentally taking another whiff in the process. “Ah gad. Is tat hwhat it smells like?”
“You’re smelling? You’ve never been able to smell right?” Corinne leapt from the table and to Blanca’s side, suddenly much too awake. “C’mon, let’s get you fresh air. It’ll do you good.”
They walked out to their patio area. Out front they had plants growing, mostly flowers but some herbs too. It had been Blanca’s idea although she couldn’t taste them. She just liked being able to appear fancy enough to actually use them when she cooked. Corinne had worked with her on that, spending much time training her on what was appropriate to use and when.
Outside, Blanca breathed in deeply. Fresh, cool air drenched the burning sensation. For a moment, she reveled in the peace. And then Corinne shoved one of the potted geraniums under her nose. She gagged as a strange feeling worked its way down her throat.
She pushed the plant away. “Get it away! That’s awful!”
Corinne tilted her head and then cautiously brought the plant close to her nose and gave a sniff. “I don’t understand. It smells fine. It’s a light scent, sort of fresh and airy. Maybe you should try one of the herbs?”
Her sweet basil plant sat nearby. In her heart, Blanca believed that it wouldn’t purposely betray her, not like the geranium which had always been Corinne’s plant. She picked it up and took a little whiff. A new feeling coursed along the sides of her nose. This one didn’t burn. It was more like water bubbling through her nostrils and racing to the back of her throat. She felt like she was drowning in the scent. She put it down and covered her nose again.
“That too? Maybe you’re just not used to smelling? Give it some time, let your nose adjust. Why is it you can smell all of a sudden anyway? Did you hit your head or get struck by lightning or something?”
Blanca thought back to the day before. She’d been blissfully unaware of her deficiency as always. Then she remembered running across an overly eager woman at the cosmetics counter who sprayed some perfume into her face even after she said it would be no use. They weren’t allowed to do that anymore, were they? People had allergies, and it was rude. But this woman had assured her that this perfume would work magic, and she didn’t have to be the one able to smell it. Blanca had recoiled as a chemical scent covered every inch of skin inside her nostril and made its way to her tongue. The stink stuck with her throughout the day, just barely wearing off before bedtime. And then she’d woken to this. Was this to be her super hero origin story? Getting sprayed in the face by stinky perfume and somehow turning it into a super sensitive ability to smell things? No, she would not put up with this. She walked into the house and grabbed her coat, throwing it on over her pajamas.
“We need to get this fixed. If this is what it’s like to be a normal person with a working sniffer, I’d much rather not be.”
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Ha, so, I can’t smell. When I do sort of smell– I feel it. Just like this. Burning sensations or warmth in my nostrils. Some feel sorry because of the stuff I’m missing out on. My boyfriend thinks I’m incredibly lucky because there are so many bad smells, especially if you have gassy friends. (He changes his tune when I’m shoving something under his nose and asking if it’s still good.)
This is part of the Senseless Challenge of course. Here is the round up for sound. And in case you missed it last week, here’s the round up for sight. There are still two more senses if you’d like to participate!
Every few paces a different speaker blared the cheerful daytime music that made the hairs in her inner ear quake. She tried to resist putting her hands over her ears to stop the intrusion of the bright melodies as she made her way back to her apartment building from the doctor’s office. He had completely dismissed her complaints about the headaches caused by the noise. She couldn’t think, and he didn’t seem to care.
She had wanted to really press him about it. Her hope was that she could possibly qualify for some noise cancelling headphones that had become so incredibly expensive since all the changes. The tech used to create them was in such high demand to keep the city covered in music that to get a pair would cost an entire year of her salary. She would never be able to afford them on her own.
But the doctor had his own music piped into his office. Each examination room had a speaker that played classical music meant to soothe. To her, it only had the effect of covering up the doctors deep voice. When she’d asked about how it was that he could play a different tune from that on the street, he answered without looking from her charts. She thoughts he said, “I have special permission to play something different for the benefit of my patients. Don’t worry, it’s still regulation and will keep the nasties away.”
Then he’d given her a smile too wide. One laced with barely contained condescension. She was sure he took her for one of those hyper sensitive and paranoid ladies who feared what would come without the music and could never have it loud enough.
She rubbed her head to relieve the pounding. At her building, she practically dived into the lobby to strip away the additional layer of noise from the people and cars on the street. The speaker near the elevators of her apartment had always been wonky and they’d never been able to properly fix it although she’d seen them try. It still worked within the regulation frequencies; it just played the music slightly muffled which fired a feeling of nostalgia in her brain that actually hurt. Oh the memories of sitting quietly and reading a book or just staring into space. God, how she missed it!
The same music played in her hall as that in the elevator. She entered her apartment to the exact same playing inside her living room. There was no escape from it. Not even in her bathroom.
As she always did upon first entering her apartment, she slammed her hands over her ears and pressed them together as if she were attempting to crush her own skull. She rubbed at her face as she considered doing something she knew she shouldn’t. If her neighbors found out, they could report her.
Sharp objects such as knives and forks, and even pointy things like screwdrivers, had been banned after several of the incidents. The only tool she possessed happened to be a plastic spoon. She took it to one of the screws of the speaker. She needed to be able to put it back together after she was done, so some care was needed though being so close to the infernal noise she wanted to do nothing more than rip it out of the wall. Slowly, she worked until the screw came out, and then, she pulled the speaker right off the wall. The noise stopped.
She shut the doors to the bathroom and the bedroom and sat on the couch. It was not the perfect silence of the old days, but it was enough to allow her to sit back, shut her eyes, and remember. Inhaled air traveled through her nasal passages, and she listened to it pass under her eyes. All the tension drifted out of her body.
They are lying to you.
She bolted upwards.
There is no danger. They want to control you.
It had been so long since she was alone with her thoughts. Had the thoughts always come on their own like this, unbidden? The thoughts continued, whispering, warning her of disaster if she didn’t act. She had been thinking it for so long, but she just hadn’t been able to focus enough to gather her thoughts this way. They had built up, and now, in a moment of complete relaxed quiet, they came.
You must tell others. You must make the music stop. There are no nasties in the quiet. There is no one here but your own thoughts.
She stood up and walked into the hall. There had to be others who felt the same as her. She had to find them.
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Here’s the round up of last weeks posts for the Senseless Challenge – sight. Seriously, this is really a lot of fun. If you want to join in, check out the original post here.
Write Your Own Story 